And now a word from our sponsor.

Witness this overheard at a recent photo-shoot here in Kansas City. Our excellent client, a window company, allowed us to create some powerful advertising around the notion of “loving our windows.” The shot was of a guy with his arm lovingly draped around a double-hung window in a movie theater (this is advertising after all folks!). Then the Art Director uttered these immortal words: “Just pretend that you are trying to get to second base with the window”. Even Steven Spielberg has never given direction like this.
That is why advertising is miles ahead of any other industry. This kind of nonsense never happens in the plumbing or medical industries.
These marvelous moments are all around us should we care to listen and I believe it is our industry’s role in the cosmos to a) find these moments and b) mercilessly laugh at people, and then use these moments to create advertising.
I was once staying at a hotel in Orlando, where I was greeted with a banner in the lobby that read: “Welcome Hostage Negotiators of Southern Florida!”. I immediately did what any self-respecting creative would have done and asked for the t-shirt. I also wanted to find out what the conference was all about but they refused to come out (rim-shot).
If you think about it, advertising is all about juxtaposition. It boils down to the placement of a product in a slightly unexpected position, whether it is verbal or visual. This allows the viewer the chance to ‘see’ said product in a ‘new light’ and proclaim “Wow, I never saw toilet paper quite like that before, I must buy some now.”
Or, “My goodness, what a goofball to place the kitten in a microwave oven, I will immediately remember that brand of dental floss.”
It also allows the agency and clients the chance to say the most stunningly inane things in the name of getting to the essence of a product.
“We at Flubberstar are proud to be the number one supplier
of gerbils to the aeronautical industry…”
I live for these moments.

BMW for sale!

Just go into your agency coffee room right now and check out the ads on the wall. You'll be amazed to find "sensible and to the point" rather than award-winning. I remember being gob-struck by this phenomenon on a notice board in one of the greatest creative powerhouses in the world.

An ad hovering starkly on the wall simply stating: BMW for sale!

A hand-written headline over a bad digital image.

We fight "tooth and nail" for every syllable chosen and centimeter of white space earned, but when the money is on the other foot we become incredibly, single-mindedly… direct. You’d think with no clients and "gloves off" we’d be over-flowing with lyrical prose and top-notch art direction. Instead we get a bad case of the “I just want to sell this piece of %$%8.” (Which would actually be a really cool headline!)

Here’s a sample of what I found in my agency.

House for Sale! Lenexa, KS, $239,000.

Nary an allegory.

Chiefs’ tickets – best offer!

Pun-less wonder!

BMW for sale $8k.

Do I detect a play on the abbreviation of 8K?

I think we forget the basics sometimes when we strive for award-winning creative. We battle our clients for a pithy play on a new termiticide product or the use of
Herb Ritts for photography on a power tools trade ad, but all bets are off when we want to unload our own stuff.
Many clients would probably rather buy “BMW for Sale” because, well, you can’t argue with that.

But do not worry.
I am not condoning a realistic view on messaging, I think if we care to step back every now and again, and walk in our clients shoes we get to see the amazing faith they put in our creative skills to get the information through as directly (yet creatively) as possible. As well as huge blisters because the client I am thinking of is a woman.

OK I’ve ticked everyone off.
I’ve aired our dirty little secret.
We all have "the client" lurking inside.

Better get my ad on the notice board:

ECD. Needs new agency.

This is important!

There’s something about this wonderful business that inspires lunacy on the part of sane individuals.
We sit in meetings and become passionate about the most inane things.
Clients high-five over new product launches. “Way to go team! Our Parmesan Raccoon flavored soup is a massive hit!” It’s like all reasonable behavior goes out the window in the pursuit of, well, nothing of great merit. We don’t save lives - unless we are doing a campaign for giving blood - we sell stuff and create advertising that 99.9 percent of viewers don’t actually care if they ever see again.
BUT we imbue everything we do with great importance.
I remember sitting in a client presentation the day after the start of the Gulf War. A day of global uncertainty, pending all-out war and a news blitz bigger than a Spice Girls reunion.
I felt compelled to start the meeting with an observation on the dramatic happenings:
“Wow a major war in our time, this is very troubling!”
Blank stares.
“Yes, sales of spackle were up the last month. Can you believe it?!”
I’ve had clients tell me (proudly) that they checked their messages while they were on honeymoon. Clients that would rather lose a limb than try something radical like change the font style. It’s marketing, folks. People will not die if the ads have a logo that is 15 percent smaller.
An art director friend and I used to fantasize that ad guys should have cars equipped with sirens so that we could “get the ads through” during busy traffic. The major public services would therefore be: police, fire, ambulance and advertising guy. All with a job to do, all saving lives.
Imagine the scene. A massive house fire, somebody trapped on the fourth floor. A plaintive voice screaming into the night:
“For God’s sake, we need a headline written up here!”
It should go further in fact. We should be allowed off planes first, just so the trade ad for Windex can be sold.
Preferential treatment should be a given at fine restaurants: “Why, Mr. Jones, your table is awaiting you. I simply love your latest tri-fold for Meaty Bone.”
Yes, in the great scheme of things, our ads are remembered by our peers and them alone.
Advertising: it’s not a matter of life or death. It’s way more important than that.

If you don't like it.. Tuff Shed!

I saw the funniest commercial the other week. However, I don’t believe
it was supposed to be funny.
It was one of those five-minute spots for a bathroom de-mister product called
"Fog-off!" The more the announcer said the product name, the more I laughed. I wanted to call the 1-800 number just to hear the person on the other end say: “Hello, Fog-off!”
I would dearly love to be a fly on the wall in the boardroom,
imagine the fun:

“Jenkins, Fog-off University; Fog-off for Moms and Fog-off
.. how are the brands performing?”

“Fog U, Mother Fogger and Fog off.. are all performing well sir.”

A lot rides on a brand name. At the corporate brand wonderland that is Kraft Foods, naming a brand is done with the greatest of precision and a sense for the literal that would impress a Jehovah’s Witness. A new ranch salad dressing line that is "light" and "tasty" with a refreshing hint of turmeric would be launched as: "New Kraft Light and Tasty ranch dressing with a refreshing hint of turmeric," giving your average consumer a migraine and the poor package designer a challenge as big as, well the last salad dressing launch for "Kraft Blue Cheese dressing that doesn't really taste like blue cheese and is only 37 calories." God forbid that the customer should become confused by needless creativity.

I love brand names that leave you wondering in awe what the heck they were thinking. Brands like "I can’t believe it’s not butter." I look forward to their line extensions:
"Oh my God, I can’t believe you’re going to eat that crap"
and "Is that a heart attack you’re having or a simulated butter taste?"
I would buy this stuff just to impress my friends.

Brand names work when the marketing makes you want to wear that brand’s name with pride. Take Nike. Powerful marketing has created an "uber-brand" that you can almost hear the choirs of angels singing as you pull on a pair of their shoes.
You know your Brand is working when your name is used as the de facto descriptor of the category. For instance: Pass me the "Post-it-notes" Bob, or are you finished with that "Kalashnikov" Sergey.

But brand names ultimately work (for me) when they just plain make you laugh. Hence my glee when only yesterday I saw a commercial for a company called Tuff Shed!
“You want a place to store your tools? Well Tuff Shed buddy.”

Flight! Flames! Fun!

I saw the most disturbing billboard in downtown KC this morning.
A poster announcing the following: FLIGHT! FLAMES! FUN!
This was set in bold type against what appeared to be an image of a burning aircraft.
As it was incomprehensible in all other messaging, I couldn’t work out what the heck it was all about, BUT I shivered with the feeling that it was advertising a venue full of crashing aircraft, body bags, escape shoots and life jackets, all served up with a "Medieval Times" banquet style chicken-finger basket.

Now that’s entertainment!

What happened to the art of the simple message? The 4-second rule? If you can’t read a billboard in 4 seconds you’ve passed it by. Don’t they teach this stuff anymore?
I am constantly amazed as to how much money is wasted on this advertising medium.
Hitler’s PR man Rudolph Hess maintained that people can only retain 4 words, in other words: make it simple.
"Ein Reich! Ein Volk! Ein Furer!" OK that’s six words but I get his point, even though I abhor his politics.

I remember seeing a billboard for "Baby dolls!" which was really simple. A big, busty seductive woman and an address.
The only problem was its location. Being close to home and therefore visible to my kids I was constantly bugged to go and visit the "doll shop." My kids being convinced it was the mother lode for "Beanie Babies." An outlet center for the terminally cute and therefore heaven.
Erm.. sort of.

I like billboards that make a quick visual impact and then allow you to go about your day without causing multi-car pile-ups on the interstate.
Unfortunately I see headlines like the following all the time, usually set in mouse type: “Stop by St.Marty’s Institute for the deaf, Kansas City’s leading treatment center for the partial or total hearing impaired, parking is free, come by today, you will be impressed, Thank you, have a great day!” and then, of course there’s the body copy. Good luck with the speed reading. Zoooooooom.

Billboards should be short and sharp.

Here at NK we’re preparing an awareness campaign that will run around town. One billboard simply states: You will read this! (4 words!) with copy that says: You will then go here.. followed by the website. I also have the desire to have a billboard positioned as you cross the Missouri river into KC stating: Welcome to Cleveland!
But that’s just my strange idea of humor.

So look for those billboards on the way home and ask yourself “What are they trying to say?” And then try to avoid
rear-ending the car that’s braking in front. The one with the driver trying to jot down the number for ‘Baby dolls’.

Make it simple stupid. (4 words!)

Form over (body) function

What happened to dandruff? Did I miss the "dandruff eradicated" e-mail?
I ask this because I realized we NEVER hear about it anymore. It seemed that not too long ago every other commercial was about the stuff. "Head and Shoulders" where did you go?
Did it merely go the way of "ring around the collar?" I mean a dirty shirt collar is caused by a dirty neck right?
Well, I am pleased to announce that Kansas City is home to equally macabre marketing on the body function front. I was minding my own business watching the local news, when a jolly jingle popped into my peripheral hearing.
Was it Disney World or the latest exquisite eating establishment you ask?
No, it was the following: (insert jaunty music here) “The midwest hemorrhoid treatment center” accompanied by smiling faces and waving nurses.
The spot continues (with said music): “3 out of 4 Americans: suffer with this problem…”
Erm, excuse me, way too much information.
Since when has anal-itch become a cause for celebration?
Holy %&$#.
Do the math; most of the people around you right now want to scratch their ass.
I think this is a cause enough to run these ads at 3 a.m. on C-SPAN.
I can see the poor creative team presenting a spot with smart, sensitive copy to the earnest client only to be met with “Yes, but I want it to be memorable with a happy jingle like Empire Carpets."
End jolly music.

But the insanity is not just a locally grown phenomenon.
What about the incredibly strange, smiling character Bob in the recent erectile-dysfunction campaign for Enzyte? Let’s face it, he looks completely insane. It might just be me, but I do not relish the thought of anyone this "out-of-their-gourd" walking the streets, brandishing an erection that lasts more than four hours.
I truly hope the creative team involved here: a) Have their head examined and b) Have their head examined for dandruff.

But I have a confession.

I too was once caught up in the insanity of body-function marketing.
I was asked by a fem-hygiene client to (squeamish readers should, at this point, move on to the fine article on HD production) create a "before and after" ad for yeast infections, complete with fully functioning casting sessions! I am not making this up.
Thankfully, common sense prevailed and we went with medical illustrations.
The account guy was so excited by the prospect that he summarily had the images turned into drink coasters.

Hopefully they’ll go nicely with his dandruff placemats.

Kansas yes Kansas.

“We’re not in Kansas anymore” just about sums up the state of the advertising industry at present. The uncertain hills and valleys of “new media” have replaced the flat plains of “traditional media.”

Agencies worldwide are coming to terms with a plethora of new thinking and a roster of clients that demand new reach on an ever-shrinking marketing dollar. Clients that say things like, “Give me a YouTube campaign” and, “Can you buy the word Aardvark for our next media-rich Web 2.0 launch.”

But there is hope. If you change your perspective just a teensy bit you can see this landscape as an incredible opportunity. We hear “the death of TV” played out in the media but how about the birth of the multi-screen society as a vast filmic opportunity?

Good thinking hasn’t gone away; content is still king of its domain, it just takes a three-dimensional chess-playing mind to be a “creative” today. It’s like this: the chances of doing great work have just increased ten-fold and that is as exciting as, well, the birth of television.

Here in Kansas City, MO I am met with the same challenges being faced on Madison Avenue and in San Francisco. I just have the added tension of making prospective clients see Kansas City as a viable venue on the ad agency planet.

KC? it’s that place you fly over when you’re doing the coasts. But here’s the thing. It is very firmly on the map. Using the same dynamic thinking shift in our industry as a spring-board, and another (teensy) head turning twist in perspective, you can see KC as an incredible opportunity.

Some surprising facts: Kansas City is in fact the fifth biggest advertising community in the nation. We have top-notch film production capabilities and of course award-winning ad agencies out the Mizoo. (Even my agency has won its fair share of accolades nationwide.) Consider that KC is only three hours from anywhere in the states and you can see the considerable benefits.

Someone should do an ad campaign on it…multi-media of course. So next time you’re compelled to ignore KC, think again; just like the arrival of RSS and interactive media, things are just getting interesting in the land of the BBQ. In fact, you just might be right at home here.