Form over (body) function

What happened to dandruff? Did I miss the "dandruff eradicated" e-mail?
I ask this because I realized we NEVER hear about it anymore. It seemed that not too long ago every other commercial was about the stuff. "Head and Shoulders" where did you go?
Did it merely go the way of "ring around the collar?" I mean a dirty shirt collar is caused by a dirty neck right?
Well, I am pleased to announce that Kansas City is home to equally macabre marketing on the body function front. I was minding my own business watching the local news, when a jolly jingle popped into my peripheral hearing.
Was it Disney World or the latest exquisite eating establishment you ask?
No, it was the following: (insert jaunty music here) “The midwest hemorrhoid treatment center” accompanied by smiling faces and waving nurses.
The spot continues (with said music): “3 out of 4 Americans: suffer with this problem…”
Erm, excuse me, way too much information.
Since when has anal-itch become a cause for celebration?
Holy %&$#.
Do the math; most of the people around you right now want to scratch their ass.
I think this is a cause enough to run these ads at 3 a.m. on C-SPAN.
I can see the poor creative team presenting a spot with smart, sensitive copy to the earnest client only to be met with “Yes, but I want it to be memorable with a happy jingle like Empire Carpets."
End jolly music.

But the insanity is not just a locally grown phenomenon.
What about the incredibly strange, smiling character Bob in the recent erectile-dysfunction campaign for Enzyte? Let’s face it, he looks completely insane. It might just be me, but I do not relish the thought of anyone this "out-of-their-gourd" walking the streets, brandishing an erection that lasts more than four hours.
I truly hope the creative team involved here: a) Have their head examined and b) Have their head examined for dandruff.

But I have a confession.

I too was once caught up in the insanity of body-function marketing.
I was asked by a fem-hygiene client to (squeamish readers should, at this point, move on to the fine article on HD production) create a "before and after" ad for yeast infections, complete with fully functioning casting sessions! I am not making this up.
Thankfully, common sense prevailed and we went with medical illustrations.
The account guy was so excited by the prospect that he summarily had the images turned into drink coasters.

Hopefully they’ll go nicely with his dandruff placemats.